Waking a Drunk God
by Marie Nomad
Summary: In the middle of Avengers Endgame, the team has to brainstorm on where and when to get the Infinity Gems. Unfortunately, one team member is completely drunk and can't be woken up. How will they wake up a drunk god? Has a four letter word in there.


This takes place in the middle of Avengers Endgame. I don't own any of this. Disney owns all characters in this. Thanks to u/hcalif0nia for betareading this.

Waking up a Drunk God

By Marie Nomad

The Avengers were gathered in the compound. For the first time in five years, they had hope and a plan. Go back in time to before Thanos, gather the Infinity Stones, put them in a new gauntlet, and bring half the universe back to life. But first, they had to plan, to gather info, to make sure that everything is right and that everyone is working together like a well oiled machine.

The team stared at Thor not moving in the chair. "Is he asleep?" Natasha asked dumbfounded. She knew that the god had a hard time in the past five years. She didn't even know how he could get drunk on Earth beer. On the other hand, if someone would drink enough at once, he could get drunk.

"I think he's dead." Rhodey fought the urge to rub his forehead in disbelief. He thought that the time of dealing with drunks are over when Tony pulled himself together. Of course, Tony struggled to avoid the urge to drink in the past five years but he made it.

"Ideas?" Scott asked helplessly to the others.

Steve's idea:

"Thor! Wake up!" Steve tried to shake him. Thor mumbled and flung the soldier several feet away. His fellow Avengers tensed but he rolled and landed on his feet. "We can't touch him in this state." He held up his hands studying him. He could tell that while Thor wasn't as strong as he was before, he was still much stronger than the average human. He, Nebula, and Bruce could survive Thor if he lashes out uncontrollably. But the others couldn't.

Scott's idea:

"I'll go and get a pot of coffee and a funnel." Scott said as he headed towards the kitchen. Bruce reached out and put his arm right in front of him.

"Why?"

"So, we can pour coffee down his throat and wake him up."

Tony rolled his eyes and Bruce just stared dumbfounded. "You can't sober people up with coffee." Bruce explained slowly. "It will make them more aware but it won't make them sober. And especially can't pour a pot of coffee down the throat of a sleeping man without hurting him."

"Let me guess, Back to the Future III?" Tony asked and Scott just looked away. "Yeah, no."

Clint's idea:

"Everyone stand back." Clint ordered wielding a bow and arrow. Unseen by everyone, he went to his old room and got all of his weapons. "Thanks for keeping my stuff in working order, Nat."

The various Avengers stood on their feet and went between the archer and the god. "What the hell are you doing?" Steve exclaimed exasperated at the turn of events.

"Relax, I'm just going to shoot an energy arrow at Thor and give him a jump start." Clint stated as he prepared the shot. "I need target practice."

"Oh sure, let's electrocute the guy! That will definitely make him better." Tony rolled his eyes.

"It's not like it's going to hurt him. He's the God of Thunder."

"You can't hit him with an energy arrow! He's not as strong as he was before." Bruce explained. Tony's convinced that he was underestimating it. That and he wasn't sure if Thor will absorb the electricity like Pikachu while he was sleeping.

"Just one shot."

"That's it." Tony flung up his hands. "Tony Stark override code: Back covered, Clint Barton is a dick."

The bow quickly folded up and Clint stared at it. "You put safeties on my stuff. Since when?"

"Since you decided to go Frank Castle. Watching my back remember?"

Clint sighed as he put down the weapons. He could easily just tase the sleeping Thor awake but Tony was right. They had to be a team in this. His family and countless other families are at stake. "Can you release the safeties?"

"No shooting arrows at team members or you're grounded from time travel."

"Fine."

"Good." Tony picked up the bow and tapped on it and it unfolded. "And just to show good faith, I'm disabling the safeties. I trust you." The inventor held up the bow. Clint felt himself smiling a little.

"Thanks."

Nebula's idea:

Nebula pondered how to wake up the drunk. The fate of the universe rested on this mission and she cannot let anything stop this. "Bruce, help me throw Thor into the lake. The shock will wake him up."

"What? No." Bruce refused. Why is everyone insisting on using violence for this? He got it that the Avengers usually fight but this is getting crazy.

"It won't work. He'll just drown." Rhodey shot down.

"It's just some cold water. He can handle it." Nebula reasoned. She saw Tony just shaking his head. "But, if you don't want to, we will find another way."

"Can we please just figure out a way of waking up Thor without resorting to violence?" Steve asked feeling exhausted already.

Natasha's idea:

"Why don't we just let Thor sleep it off and come back to talking about the Reality Stone later?" Natasha was getting annoyed at this. She knew that everyone had suffered from the Decimation but she didn't expect Thor to just retreat into the bottle. But she hadn't seen Thor in years. No one has. The Asgardians had been very secretive and protective. No doubt, they had been protecting their king from an unkind world.

"No. If he's this hammered, pun not intended, at-" Tony checked his phone, "Seven o'clock in the morning, he will just find a way to stay drunk for the rest of the day."

"Sounds right." Rhodey nodded.

"You had to deal with drunks before?" Scott asked. Rhodey pointed to Tony and Tony just pointed to himself. "Ohhh...right."

Rhodey's idea:

"I got it!" Rhodey clapped his hands once in inspiration. No one snaps their fingers in inspiration any more. "This always works in a pinch with Tony. Should work with Thor."

Tony frowned. "You want to get the Playboy bunnies here? I thought we're trying to keep this mission quiet."

"Playboy bunnies?" Rocket asked dumbfounded.

"They are not real bunnies." Bruce spoke up.

"No, not that one." Rhodey shook his head and he saw the others just trying to imagine what that involved.

Tony frowned. "You want to strip him naked and bury him in plushies?"

"Not that one!"

The various Avengers just stared at each other. "I nearly forgot how interesting Tony's life pre Iron Man was." Scott stated.

"The one involving a goat?"

"Not that one!" Rhodey yelled at noticed everyone was just staring at him. Nebula and Rocket were looking at them with a sense of disbelief. Scott looked confused and intrigued. Steve and the others were just ready to give up. He has to get back to the mission. "The song. Friday, play 'It's a Small Wo-'"

"Friday! Cancel order!" Tony screamed. "No, just no. Thor had suffered enough."

Scott raised his hand. "Why did you strip Tony naked and bury him in plushies?" He asked Rhodey. The group just stared at him.

Rocket's idea:

"Fuck it!" Rocket marched up close to Thor with Steve hesitant to let the raccoon close to the super strong drunk god. "Hey! Thor! Noobmaster69 called! He said that you're a fat loser!"

Thor jumped up slightly swaying. "What?! Where is that little jerk!" He stabilized himself and took off his glasses. "Friends! What are you doing here?" He greeted them with a fake smile so big that it just caused everyone who knew Thor before just winced.

Tony walked up to Thor and put his hand on his stomach. "Thor! Buddy! We have a mission! We need help! Can you talk about the reality stone?"

"Reality stone?" Thor's eyes just seemed dazed for a second. He brightened up. "Oh! Yeah! I can totally talk about the reality stone!"

Clint's jaw slacked opened and mouthed the word 'totally?' to Natasha who looked equally stunned. They were used to Thor speaking with a more eloquent tone but that clearly had changed with everything else.

"Great! Go out there and talk about it!" Tony shoved Thor forward.

The End


End file.
